BEGINNER COURSE

Delivered in a fun and engaging manner, the beginner course introduces the student to the basics and fundamentals of isiZulu. Having completed the course, the student will be equipped to better speak, read and write isiZulu. The course consists of 10 classes, with a new lesson uploaded each week. Students can enrol anytime and be able to access current and previous classes.

ABOUT MELUSI

Melusi Tshabalala is the founder of the Melusi’s Everyday Zulu initiative, which includes a book, radio features, a magazine column and a popular Facebook page. He is passionate about isiZulu and enjoys sharing the language with other people.

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This weekend's isiZulu word is um'swenko. Um'swenko is fancy clothes - Sunday best. The root word is English's "swanky".

As South Africans, we spend a lot of money on um'swenko. It makes us feel good to look good because life is pretty tough. We trick ourselves into believing everything is fine, by changing into various outfits of um'swenko.

But look at uBaba, the country's most carefree man - on different occasions, he welcomed prominent individuals in the same outfit, knowing the images would find their into the media. Some people, reading this would die, if they were seen in the media, wearing the same um'swenko. Forget in the media, in the club or church.

I can't believe I am about to say this but be like uBaba. uBaba doesn't care. Of course, he doesn't. He never has.

Don't spend all your money on um'swenko. Don't even spend the government's money on um'swenko. You must constitutionally refuse to do so. Even if they threaten you with the Zondo Commission, refuse.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu phrase is ukuhlaliswa phansi. Ukuhlaliswa phansi is to have someone or people sit you down. This can be literal or mean they are having an intervention for you.

This post is inspired by a series of memes, doing the rounds that playfully show the results of this happening. Like in the attached meme - Steve Harvey got ukuhlaliswa phansi and improved his dress sense.

The memes got me thinking about the people, who need this kind of ukuhlaliswa phansi - the kind Julius Malema and other political whatyoumacallits seemed to have tried to have for Former President Zuma. In that case though, it was a case of "the pot, the pan, the drie voet, the skittle and the wok, calling the kettle black, and not because of the kettle's skin colour".

Anyway, Jacques Paw needs to ukuhlaliswa phansi and the liqour taken away.

According to some people, I need ukuhlaliswa phansi and my Facebook taken away. Tsek.

Judge Mogoengmogoeng needs ukuhlaliswa phansi. He needs a good talking to and not in tongues.

Mama Angie Motshekgwa needs ukuhlaliswa phansi for saying educated men don't rape. What a dangerous statement.

My divorce lawyer needs ukuhlaliswa phansi. What a pointless human. Nx.

But the truth is South Africans in general need ukuhlaliswa phansi. Especially you.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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New friends, I have had two books published - "Melusi's Everyday Zulu" and "Magenge, we need to talk".

Please check them out.
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Today's isiZulu word is khwehlela. Khwehlela is cough. The word is an onomatopoeia because it kind of sounds like coughing.

The thing that crossed mind most often, when I had Covid, was dying then seeing people who never liked me or were never supportive of anything I do, posting "R.I.P. Mel" on their walls. The use of Mel would be the giveaway to how little you cared about me.

I definitely was not going to rest in peace because I was gonna haunt you so much and khwehlela next to you in your sleep, to give you Covid. Beni zonya. Ghost strain Covid is nasty.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is umehluko. Umehluko is a difference.

When working through the night, like tonight, I sometimes get stuck so to reboot my brain, I come onto Facebook to talk shit or I Google things I have been wondering about. I've just learned umehluko between a muffin and a cupcake.

A muffin is a small, domed, spongy cake made with flour, eggs and baking powder, while a cupcake is the President of South Africa.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend's isiZulu word is vutha. Vutha is ablaze/afire. A fire vuthas so on and so forth. It can also be used to communicate anger, sexiness, amazing skills or anything else English-speakers use "blazing hot" for.

My favourite use of vutha though is to "fetch your people to back you up". I don't know if this is just Jozi speak, but when you are in a tight spot, you vutha your people. As a kid, my favourite person to vutha was my grandmother. Whenever the older kids would start some shit, I'd run home, screaming "GOGO! GOGO!" Then everybody knew it would go down. uGogo would come out, with imvubu (sjambok) and all hell would break loose.

I would never vutha my mother though because I would just get a hiding and get told to do the dishes or my laundry.

The kids with older brothers were always dangerous because they would vutha those teenage thugs, and there'd be mini gang wars in the streets. Just imagine Ndlozi, vutha-ing Juju and Floyd. Speaking of those firebrands, where are they? They have been MIA - especially Floyd. Dankie, Covid.

The absolute worst though were the ones who didn't vutha their people immediately, and would catch you much later, when you had completely forgotten. A bunch of boys would just pop up, and the one you had started kak with when you were with your friends would grab you by the front of your pants and say "Kleva, usang' khumbula?", which is "wise guy, do you remember me?'. Fok. The hiding that would follow.

The most famous example of vutha-ing is on "Who wants to be a millionaire?" - phone a friend.

Anyway, have a vutha-ing day and feel free to vutha me, should anybody cause kak with you. I am your people.
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is isidwaba. Isidwaba is a traditional, leather skirt, worn by married, Zulu women.

Of course an unmarried, Zulu woman can go to H&M, Zara or wherever women buy fancy clothes, buy a leather skirt and wear it. She can even buy an attempted leather skirt from China Town and wear that. None of those are isidwaba. They're just skirts.

Don't you dare start to accuse me of shaming unmarried women. I know you trigger happy lot. I am just explaining that not all leather skirts are equal. Anyway, unmarried women are my faves.

Part of the Tshabalala/Shabalala clan name is "isidwaba esiluthuli" (dusty isidwaba), letting the world know women from that clan do not mind getting down and dirty - they will stab you. Remember that the next time you want to start some shit. You will get it in the eye. Quick-fast.

BTW, isidwaba is heavy AF. Skinny ones be warned. You will collapse at your wedding, wearing that thing. Especially if you went on some crazy, crash diet to get skinny for the white dress. *Uzofa. Fi.

NB: There are countless, married, Zulu women who have never worn isidwaba, and that is just fine.

*You will die.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's siZulu word is intuthwane. Intuthwane is an ant.

The plural is izintuthwane. The plural is key because you never see just one intuthwane. It's always a whole horde of them. Relax, I know the proper collective noun for a group of izintuthwane is a colony.

The root word in inthuthwane is thutha - move something from one place to another, including moving house. This makes sense because izinthuthwane are always moving stuff. No wonder they are so skinny.

Anyway, I feel bad when I kill izintuthwane because they are just annoying and unsightly but aren't bad people, unlike flies and mosquitoes. Those are assholes.
If I had to kill human beings for the same reasons, I would become the world's most prolific killer - colonialist level killer. I mean kill humans for being annoying, not unsightly.

Why am I writing about izintuthwane? Because they are my current nemesisis ... no, nemesi ... no, enemies ... whatever. We are at war. THIS IS MORTEIN! If I am not careful, they will thutha me in my sleep.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend's isiZilu word is ngihlulekile. Ngihlulekile is 'I failed".

I joined a cardio class yesterday morning and I was the only man in the class. I knew it wasn't going to go well. It never has. Even at my fittest, I have never been cardiovascularly great. But I become even less fit in front of women in tights.

And it didn't go well.

First, they tried to put me in the first row. Hell no. Why must all these women see me suck? I went to my favourite place - back of the bus. Sorry, Rosa Parks.

Then it started - dzi dzi dzi music, and they were all co-ordinated. I stood there, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. By the time my brain worked out how to get on and off the step, they were done and had moved on to the barbells. While disappointed that
ngihlulekile at dzi dzi dzi, I figured I would keep up now that weights had been added because I do weight training. Nope. They beat me at that too. Now I was questioning what I do at the gym. Am I just a facade-a? How were these women abondlekile beating me? Fakhen.

Then came a bit where we had to get on our hands and knees, kwadunuswa. I definitely did not need that. This is why I should have been at the front.

I packed up right at the beginning of umdunuso (or is it indunuso?), left and went to the weights to do my normal pretending. Anyway, I had walked 5km to the gym and would walk 5km home - so there is that. But I took an Uber home.

Also I am in pain from walking into that cardio class.

Am I gonna return? I know I should, but I highly doubt it.

Ngihlulekile

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu phrase is sizo xabana. Sizo xabana is "we will find ourselves at odds with each other/we will get into an altercation".

The key words are "si" (we), zo (will) and xabana (be at odds).

Anyway, if after what I am sharing with you here, I ever hear that you've been telling people I never positive things with you and just make fun of Trump, sizo xabana.

At 11am today (21/01/2021), the young hustlers, featured on the flyer (Mihlali - digital media and beauty entrepreneur) and (Laduma - internationally recognised fashion designer) will be on the first episode of Metropolitan's #start2021stronger Masterclass, talking about hustling stronger in 2021. And vele, we all have to strengthen our hustle because it's nyiwing proper.

The third person on the flyer is Dokotela Musa, who is the series host.

EPISODE 1 TOPIC:

Let’s hustle stronger ’21.

SUBTOPICS:

Why fit in when you can stand out? (ensuring your offering is compelling)

Get your head in the game/it all starts in the mind (you will meet many obstacles and challenges, so you have to be prepared. On the flip side, don’t get derailed by small successes)

Nothing works if you don’t (nothing beats putting in the work. Without putting in the work, the best laid plans are pointless)

Register here: bit.ly/2M3WdUe

Catch the session here:

FACEBOOK
Link: www.facebook.com/MetropolitanZA/posts/3472267462898660
LINKEDIN
Link: www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6757652818796011520/
TWITTER
Link: twitter.com/MetropolitanZA/status/1351887094105436160

If you don't check it out then but the complain about lack of resources to empower yourself, sizo xabana.

BB: Bafethu, I do not know Mihlali personally and niba dala. Nizo xabana with her parents. Nizo xabana is you (plural) will get into an altercation

I know some people are thinking "If this Melusi guy continues to not provide pronunciations for tricky words, sizo xabana". Here is the thing, pronunciation lessons are available on www.everydayzulu.co.za

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is iphelile. Iphelile is "it is finished/it is done/it is over".

20/01/2021 is the last day of the Trump presidency. Iphelile. Nya.

This means:

i- Maga iphelile.
i-Grab them by the kitty-cat iphelile.
i-Twitter ranting iphelile.
i-Shithole country-shaming iphelile.
i-Islamophobia iphelile.
i-White supremacy iphelile.
i-Police brutality iphelile
i-Tax dodging iphelile.
i-Nepotism iphelile.
i-Wall construction iphelile.
i-Deportation iphelile.
i-Error of Trump iphelile.
i-Reality show iphelile.

Kidding. Sure, Trump's presidency iphelile but Trump is still Trump and America is still America. The saga continues.
This post iphelile. And that is 100% true.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu words are inkolo and ukholo. Ukholo is faith (religious) and inkolo is religion, however they are often used interchangeably.

There is an inkolo-based argument against the booze ban. And into the ring we throw Bishop Makiti of Church of Gabola, which is a Basotho Christian church in whose belief system alcoholism is a core tenet. Under Chapter 2 of South Africa's globally celebrated Constitution everyone has the right to freedom of religion, belief and opinion.

The ban infringes on the religious rights of Bishop Makiti and his congregation. If we do not stand up for Bishop Makiti's constitutional right to practice his inkolo the way it is best practiced, we are heading down a dark path, as a nation. As the post-war confessional prose by the German Lutheran pastor Martin Niemöller goes:

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me.

Well, they have come for Bishop Makiti's inkolo. While both my alcoholism and Christianity are up for debate, damnit, we will not stand aside and watch. We will not. In the words of legendary ganjaman, Bob Marley, "how long shall they kill our prophets (not Bushiri), while we stand aside and look?"

We are no longer standing aside or looking. No, Sir. We stand up for inkolo of Bishop Makiti

Do not let Bheki Cele, the anti-Christ scare you. We shall fight him on the beaches. Well, you shall fight him on the beaches. I'm in Joburg and the beaches are far, but I will see your posts.

I believe in you guys to stand up against the tyranny.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend's isiZulu word is isithuthuthu. Isithuthuthu is a motorbike. The word is obviously an onomatopoeia for the sound an old school bike makes - thuthuthuthuthu ...

It is blatantly clear the Council For Giving isiZulu Names and Words To Foreign Words, Concepts And Shit (CFGiZNaWTFWCaS) wasn't trying, when they named the motorbike. They just didn't care and had no foresight. The word no longer applies to all motorbikes because very few make that thuthuthuthu sound these days - they sound like mosquitoes and flies.

Maybe I am wrong, and isithuthuthu is not an onomatopoeia of the sound old school bikes make. Maybe the lead namer in CFGiZNaWTFWCaS, during the period of this particular naming had a stutter so said "thuthuthuthuthuthu ... ", when trying to say "iyathusa" (it's scary). Yes, this makes sense.

Speaking of stutters and vehicles, I used to think it's starter not stutter, referencing a vehicle whose starter wasn't working properly.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is ipentshisi. Ipentshisi is a peach.

I am not well-versed in American politics because I am not American. Due to this very same ignorance, I thought Trump being impeached for the 2nd time meant he is getting another coat of the spray that makes him the same colour as a ripe ipentshisi.

Hhayi, you can't blame me for this confusion. The man looks like a peach and is getting impeached.

This word confused me so much, I used to think Fourways is where Trump would come to get impeached because the place is overrun with ipentshisi-coloured people. By ipentshisi coloured people, I do not mean Coloured people who are like ipentshisi, but white people that are the colour of ipentshisi.

Anyway, as a lover of ipentshisi, I am glad impeach has nothing to do with the fruit, but I still am not happy about the word. They must change it to impawpaw because pawpaws suck. Impawpaw Trump.
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Today's isiZulu word is ngcono. Ngcono is better.

Better is good. In fact, better is better than good - it's the best. No, no - in fact, better is better than best; it's just better. Best is just too absolute and too sure of itself. Screw best. Ngcono is better than best.

The only times I have ever wanted to be the best were in athletics in high school, where I was the best in my age and in Fifa (screw you, Melusi Mloo Mhlungu). Otherwise, I am okay with trying to be ngcono every day.

Every day, I try become ngcono at my job and at dealing with people because people are tricky - colleagues, clients, neighbours, friends, children, you ... Everybody is bloody tricky. I am tricky to deal with. I know this and one part of me, trying to become ngcono is to become less unnecessarily tricky to deal with.

I also am getting ngcono health-wise, and the Covid symptoms are fading. Hooray.

Then we arrive at the expression "uzenza ngcono". Uzenza ngcono directly translated is "you are making yourself better". This sounds bloody fantastic - taking it upon yourself to make yourself better. So bloody proactive. No need for external motivation. I want this for everyone. The world needs this kind of energy.

But that's not what uzenza ngcono is. It is a party-pooper, and means "you think you are better than other people". It's bloody sour grapes.

When you walk into the house, wearing a mask, your cousin with 9 kids says "Uzenza ngcono".

You don't go to the funeral because it is unnecessary and you could catch Covid, your mother says "Uzenza ngcono".

You didn't buy your children fireworks because you know ... dogs and shit; the look from your children "Uzenza ngcono". Okay, if I am being honest, I did not buy my children fireworks because of dogs and shit, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them it was because of dogs and shit because while they would have understood because they are kind people, it just sounded silly in my head.

I could on and on about the various times, when you try do the right thing then get told "uzenza ngcono", but I won't. What's important is we must continue to try to be better and do better. As the boy, who escaped from Tshwane, Elon Musk, once said "Always start by assuming you're wrong then work to become a little bit more right". Then let them say uzenza ngcono.

I don't know if Elon the Boet said the above, but I know his life got ngcono once he left Tshwane.

Even this post, I will continue to make it ngcono, as the day goes, returning to fix errors and make some sentences work better. That's how life works. Everything can be made ngcono.

I also know for some people this post would be ngcono if it had an audio clip for pronunciation, but if those people truly want their isiZulu to become ngcono, they must enroll @ www.everydayzulu.co.za
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is amasimba. Amasimba is shit.

I bet "decent", white American men can't wait to get back into power. The past decade and a half has been amasimba for them.

You had a black, undercover Muslim President. Now you have this Godless, orange pussy-grabbing-coup-attempting-stripper-marrying abomination, while next in line is a corpse, supported by an undercover Voodoo high priestess, Jamaican/Indian *chick.

It's amasimba.

The experiment has clearly failed, and decent white men are needed to fix America and return her to glory. They are ready, willing and able.

Now they'll just need to "off" the corpse (oh, the irony) and the Jamandian chick, and replace them with 56-year-old Ted/Bill/Gregory/Mike, from Massachusetts. This Iraq war veteran, Christian and former governor from a family with a looooong history of governors and congressmen will restore the kind of order that can only be achieved by straight, Christian, white men. He and his Christian, white man VP will restore the fabric of society.

God bless amasimba-free America.

*I am not calling Aunty Kamala a chick. The decent, white, American men in my head are. They are full of amasimba.

South Africa also needs to return to the rule of decent, white, Christian men.
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Today's isiZulu phrase is abantu abadala. Abantu abadala is "grownups/elders". Even if you are a grownup (umuntu omdala), you still refer to your elders as abantu abadala.

The key words are abantu (people) and abadala (who are old). Umuntu omdala is the singular.

In the time of fake news, abantu abadala just forward all manner of stuff to family Whatsapp groups, without fact-checking.

I guess they are from a more honest time so they cannot wrap their heads around the fact that people would spend time, putting together fake info.

Okay, maybe they are not from such an honest time because it's them, who get caught out lying on Utatakho - the original fake news debunker.

We love abantu abadala but their phones must come with an automatic fact-checker, which does not allow them to forward nonsense info. Seriously. Even here on FB, it's abantu abadala who share the wackiest conspiracy theories.

Then you ha r abantu abadala in politics - that's a pandemic for another day.

Abantu abadala must be stopped.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is udakiwe. Udakiwe is you are drunk or he/she is drunk. The difference is in the inflection on the "u".

uBheki Cele udakiwe. I do not use udakiwe as a figure of speech here. The man is poep dronk. That is the only explanation I can find for him telling us we should be in bed by 9pm tonight - 31st December. Udakiwe. He can never tell us when we should go to bed. Bloody agent. In fact, if anyone needs to go to sleep right away, it's him because he is drunk and bringing shame unto his family name.

Bheki, stop banging on amathini and go to bed, you silly drunk in a silly hat. Udakiwe.

This man should be breathalysed before he speaks.

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This weekend's isiZulu word is shumayela. Shumayela is preach.

Seeing as this is the last Sunday of the ratchet year 2020, I will take this opportunity, and use Everyday Zulu to shumayela.

For this sermon, let us turn to Genesis 19:26 - the story of Lot's wife. First we shall ignore the misogyny of having a woman be the dumbass that turned around, even though the instructions were pretty clear. We shall focus on the lesson instead. That lesson is "once you leave Alexendra Township, never look back". What does this biblical story have to do with Alex? Alex is also known as Gomora, which is taken from Gomorrah.

However, 2020 is also Gomorrah and Sodom so we must not turn around and look at this year longingly, once we cross into 2021. Just leave it behind. Of course, there were also great memories created this year because the human spirit is amazing but the year mostly sodomised us. And for that we say "TSEK".

While I have you here, do remember the story of Jonah and the whale - sometimes when someone leaves the house to buy bread but returns two days to a week later, it is God' will. Especially during Dizemba.

Amen.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is incwadi. Incwadi is a letter or book. Don't forget to buy my incwadi "Magenge, we need to talk". It has been receiving rave reviews.

INCWADI TO MY ENGLISH LOVER:

My beloved, I had awoken with the noble intention of heading to the gymnasium. Alas I shan't for I fear I am confoundingly more susceptible to the affliction beknownst as the vid, whilst hungover at the gymnasium than I am whilst drunk at the place of meat incineration.

What I meanst is I shan't and will not head to the gymnasium for I preserve myself for thee and thine bottomless affections - isishwapha sakho.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is ibhishi. No, that kind of ibhishi, wena bhishi.
Ibhishi is the beach.
Stop going on about Cyril closing amabhishi (plural). You were never going because you are based in Joburg and are 2020 poor, which is a special kind of poor - the final boss of poor. In fact, Cyril closed amabhishi to save us poor Joburgers the embarrassment of not affording to travel to amabhishi.
Sure, CT ones are open but we can blame racism for not going to those ones. Yup, the reasons I am not traveling to ibhishi are Cyril and racism; definitely not 2020 poverty.
So for the first time in a long time, I can safely say "I've got 99 problems but ibhishi ain't one" and mean it. Yes, colloquially ibhishi is also bitch.
Also Cyril is saving you the embarrassment of nearly drowning because you can't swim. 2020 is not the year to take chances
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Today’s isiZulu word is fihla. Fihla is hide/conceal.

Today is Day of Reconciliation. But you see Reconciliation doesn’t mean what you think it means. The root word is concealer -
a flesh-toned cosmetic stick used to fihla the spots and blemishes of colonialism and apartheid, without actually dealing with the real issues. Day of Reconciliation simply means this is the day when the nation is meant to reapply the concealer because it wears off and stops fihla-ing the spots and blemishes properly. This is why it’s in December - right at the end of the year - we reapply it now so we are all pretty for the parties.

The day was originally Day of Reconcealer Nation, but some felt that was too obvious and would tip off the peasants. By peasants, I mean you and me. There is no fihla-ing it, we are peasants.

You see, concealer is all about transformation.

Gents, some of you don’t know what concealer is, and that is because you are inattentive lovers and citizens.

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This weekend’s isiZulu word is ingxoxo. Ingxoxo is a conversation. The root word is xoxa - converse. No, it has nothing to do with ixoxo - frog.

Inboxer: i am spiritual healer and see many people not happy for you. i protect your spirit from them.

Him: I don’t have spirit.

Inboxer: what you mean?

Him: I don’t have spirit. So you can’t heal or protect it.

Inboxer: everybody has spirit. you no live without spirit.

Him: Where is yours? Show me yours.

Inboxer: i can’t show my spirit. it not be seen. you no see spirit.

Him: Yes, you can. It’s purple and can be used to light fire or on chiskop.

Inboxer: what you are talk about?

Him: Spirit.

Inboxer: spirit is no paple. is clear.

Him: I think you’re talking about Paraffin or Benzine. In fact, you can sniff both Benzine and spirit to get high, but Benzine will make you throw up. Have you ever tried it?

Inboxer: leave me alone.

Him: You started this ingxoxo.

Inboxer: good bye.

BTW, do FB spiritual healers start is izingxoxo (plural) with White/Indian/Coloured people or this bullshit is just reserved for us?

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is igama. Igama is a name. Your name is igama lakho. My name is igama lami. His/her name is igama lakhe.

As you can see in the pic, Nelson Mandela is not pleased with the municipality that carries igama lakhe. He is looking at Nelson Mandela Bay and thinking "You guys are not Nelson Mandela's bae".

That place needs to be renamed with immediate effect. It must carry the name of a delinquent. The renaming can take place at the end of the Zondo Commission, after all the delinquents have submitted their proposals. Changing its igama to Dudu Miyeni Bay would let you know this is a place of shenanigans #everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is tebhisa. Tebhisa is to wear your pants in a way where they sag. It is a colloquial term that comes from isitebhisi - step/steps/step ladder/staircase.
Elders have never liked young people, who tebhisa, saying it's unsightly. But the very same elders are now out here, tebhisa-ing their masks, with their leader being Bheki "Tebhisa" Cele.
When you tebhisa your pants, showing your underwear, you force people to think about your asshole. Eew. When you tebhisa your mask, you force people to think you are an asshole. Eewer. Eewest.
Moral of the story: Don't tebhisa. Not even your morals, just because it's the festive season.
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu lesson is about borrowed words and plurals.

When South African languages borrow words that start with “s” from other languages, it is a set up for a linguistic shit show.

English - stool.
Plural - stools

isiZulu - isitulo
Plural - izitulo

The “s” is changed to a “z” because that’s how our plurals work. It is as if the borrowed word was “tool”. The same thing even happens with the other languages - Sesotho, Setswana etc.

Setulo - ditulo. The “s” is gone.

English - stamp
Plural - stamps

isiZulu - isitembu
Plural - izitembu

It’s as if the borrowed word was “tamp”.

So on and so forth.

This is because in Nguni languages “isi” denotes singular, whose plural is “izi” - isihlalo - izihlalo.

However, this is not the case if the borrowed “s word” is paired with the article “u”. As in, usayitsheni (sergeant) becomes osayitsheni. The “u” article is mostly used for people but can also be used for things (usawoti). The plural if the “u” article is used becomes “o”.

Then you have stew, which becomes isitshulu, with the plural izitshulu. Or a racist - isitshupid, with the plural izitshupid.

I wonder which other languages do something similar.

#trivia #everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu is inhlekisa. Inhlekisa is laughing stock. No, not laughing stokko, as in stokko that laughs at your lame jokes just because you are paying. Laughing stock is someone who is the subject of ridicule. That is inhlekisa in isiZulu.

The root word is hleka - laugh.

ANC = inhlekisa
Kaizer Chiefs = inhlekisa
South Africa = inhlekisa
Fourways = inhlekisa
Human beings = inhlekisa
Earth = inhlekisa

Wait a minute ... I am seeing a pattern here. These are all things I have associated myself with. This means Melusi = inhlekisa. 😭😭😭😭

The life of inhlekisa is sad. I am sad.

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This weekend’s isiZulu expression is inswela boya. The root words are swela (lack) and uboya (*hair/fur) As such, directly translated to English, inswela boya is “one without hair”. No, it has nothing to do with Brazilian waxing, even though ... Never mind. Inswela boya is a slippery criminal.

A slippery criminal is called inswela boya because their figuritive lack of hair means we have nothing to clutch onto as the dodgy bugger slips away - slippery as an eel, which is obviously without hair.

I bet you think I am talking about Bushiri. You guessed right; here’s a gold ⭐️ for you. That man from Marawi is an exceptional inswela boya - spiritually waxed, even down to the ... eyelashes. Inswela boya supreme.

Another fur-related expression is is’lahlwa naboya - someone who is as useless as a pointless animal that you throw away with its fur, when it dies, instead of making an awesome coat out of that fur - a coat worthy of Bushiri or a high-flying politician.

*human hair is izinwele, while body hair is uboya, which is also fur.

Speaking of uboya, about a year ago, a Mosotho friend of mine tried to impress his girlfriend’s father by referring to him by his (Ndlovu) clan name - **boya benyathi. But my buddy got it wrong and greeted the man with “boya benyatsi”. It turned out the old man had been caught playing away from home and upon hearing the philanderer referred to as boya benyatsi, the mother broke down, crying.

**Boya benyathi is “fur of inyathi”, while boya benyatsi is “pubes of a concubine”. Nyatsi is not isiZulu though; I think it is Sesotho but has been appropriated by the rest of us.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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My “Magenge, we need to talk” Zoom chat with Fred Khumalo is all set for tomorrow (18 November) at 18:00.

Registration link: bit.ly/3pbNDSe

#magengeweneedtotalk #ezamagenge #gtalk
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Today's isiZulu word is ubisi. Ubisi is milk - the white stuff that comes out of boobies.
Well, I am not sure if all mammals produce ubisi that is white. Are there mammals that produce ubisi that is different colours? If you know, let us know.
If you think about it, consuming ubisi is gross. I wouldn't drink ubisi from a *woman's boobies, even though ubisi was my primary source of nutrition, when I first arrived on earth, and I like boobies. A lot. But I like them when they don't have ubisi.
On the flip side, I am not into cow boobies, yet I love the thing they produce. Weird.
Other animals produce ubisi so why do we not consume sheep milk? Mina, I wanna try lion ubisi, and I am willing to milk a lioness myself. Yup, that's what I will be doing this weekend - milking a lioness and drinking its ubisi.
*If you ARE a grownup that enjoys ubisi from human boobies, we can't be friends anymore. Nope. Bye, weirdo.

The first time I heard of nut milk, it resulted in a massive misunderstanding.
*everydayzulu *everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is uthumbu. Uthumbu is the last-born child. This word is not to be confused with ithumbu – intestine/tube/pipe/hose.

However, I do suspect uthumbu is related to ithumbu because last borns are full of *it, just like amathumbu (plural of ithumbu - intestines). I hope my younger brother doesn’t see this because he is uthumbu but is not full of it, like amathumbu. Well, most of the time. He does have his moments though.
Now my last-born, on the other hand … Kidding, he is also a good kid. He is another uthumbu that isn’t like amathumbu. But I have come across many othumbu (plural), who are definitely amathumbu. Yeses, they are full of it.

Some of those othumbu are my friends, while others are my friends’ children and spouses.
If you are uthumbu, please do try not be full of it, like amathumbu. Please.

*Just in case you were confused, "it" is shit.
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is hlonipha. Hlonipha is respect (verb). Respect (noun) is inhlonipho.

Izinhloni is shyness, while amahloni is shame.

Donald Trump must just do like Kanye West and hlonipha himself by conceding. But he won’t because he doesn’t have amahloni, izinhloni or inhlonipho. He also doesn’t hlonipha anyone, and wants to grab the Presidency by *inhlunu.

I am 100% sure there are people going “Come on, Melusi, hlonipha uDonald. How can you compare his situation to Kanye’s?”.

To those people, I say “Hheyi, they both ran and lost. It’s that simple”.

On a more serious note, I get where Trump is coming from - I also wouldn’t want to quit being President and return to being a mere, inhlunu-grabbing old sleazebag.

I really do wish Trump will disappear from public consciousness so I may stop trying to work out how a person grabs another by inhlunu.

Anyway, hlonipha yourself in all you do.

NB: If you ask me what inhlunu is, you’ll get an inhlunu klap across the face.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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The virtual launch of my new book “Magenge, we need to talk” will take place on Tuesday, the 10th of November at 18:00. In that session, I will be in conversation with Khaya Dlanga. Link: bit.ly/2JAY81d

#ezamagenge
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Today's isiZulu word is ukhetho. Ukhetho is elections. The root word is khetha - choose. As such, ukhetho is literarily "the great choosing".

There is still time to mail in your ballot for ukhetho in America. Do it now, and be the change you want to see in America.

Seriously, I've got a connection that will ensure your votes are counted. He first reached out to me, by sending me a friend request. I accepted then he sent me a message on Messenger, saying he is from Pretoria but now lives in Miami. He said I too can move from Pretoria and live in Miami, if I had the right amount of Bitcoin, which he incidentally was willing to help me acquire. Sensing my scepticism about the Bitcoin, he then offered to help me vote in ukhetho in America. This excited me so much, I swiftly sent him R 10 000 and he sent me the ballot and address to mail it to.

I will sleep well, knowing my vote counts in ukhetho in America.

Friends, I urge you to not waste time - accept all friend requests from people who used to live in Pretoria but now reside in America so you can also vote for *AMANGA.

*Amanga is lies.

#amanga #everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is isilwane. Isilwane is an animal. The plural is izilwane.

Pet owners have no respect for these poor izilwane. Just look at the dog in the accompanying vid - you’ll find this dog is a parent. A whole parent, made to look foolish for silly human thrills.

Izilwane will rise up one day, and we will be the ones made to wear stupid outfits just for dog shits and hyena giggles.

If you have isilwane, please stop making look stupid. You are messing with its street cred and it’s kids no longer respect it. Come on.

You already don’t have friends because you are weirdo. Don’t condemn your isilwane to the same fate.

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Today’s isiZulu word is hola. Hola is lead. But it has a homonym, which means earn a salary.

This homonymness (it’s a word because I says so) is the foundation of corruption. Abaholi are abaholi - leaders are salary earners. Baholela ukuhola.

You can’t be upset with um’holi for ukuhola all the time. It’s literally the job title. When you bump into um’holi and ask her what she is doing, the answer is simple uya hola. Kanti nifuna um’holi enzeni?

Hola ka daar.

It’s a joke, guys. Don’t run around, saying “It’s their culture”, you a-hol.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Nansi le shandis. The launch of my new book “Magenge, we need to talk” is around the corner. Please pull through. Don’t forget to RSVP - rsvp@nb.co.za ... See MoreSee Less

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Today’s isiZulu word is ubandlululo. Ubandlululo is discrimination.

As South Africans, we know very well how hurtful and damaging ubandlululo is. People can bandlulula (discrminate), based on a variety of things - race, social standing, socio-economic status, language, gender, sexual orientation and so much more. None of it is good.

As such, I dedicate today’s isiZulu word to all amaZulu who are homophobic - Luther Vandross’ lover was insizwa yaKwamashu. Take a listen to the proof.

*Directly translated, isandla semfene is a baboon’s hand but it refers to the left. It’s a colloquial term. Calling the left hand isandla semfene is ubandlululo against left-ha ded people.

**insizwa is a young man

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This weekend’s isiZulu phrase is bengi khohliwe. Bengi khohliwe is “I had forgotten”.

Bengi is “I was/I had”. Khohliwe is “forgotten”.

Bengi khohliwe that people are on this pagefor Everyday Zulu stuff; not because I am awesome. Someone just reminded me. But to be honest, she wasn’t complaining, but I appreciate the reminder. I shall get back to posting regularly.

Bengi khohliwe that there is such a thing as Miss SA. I think it’s because the women are too young for me to perv over now. Or is it that I am too old to be perv over them, and must go to Dischem for such? Askies, bengi khohliwe that we are not allowed to perv. I have immediately stopped such behaviour. I will stop commodifying the contestants and shoppers at Dischem.

Similar-sounding phrases are:

“Bengi kholiwe” - I was a believer at the time. This is used by Bushiri fraud victims.

“Bengi khokhiwe” - I had been paid/paid off. This is used by government officials.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is isangoma. The purpose of isangoma is to heal and protect people in the community. Izangoma (plural) have a direct line to ancestors. Some are herbalists but not all are. Izanyanga (medicine men) are primarily the herbalists. Isangoma is definitely not a witch doctor. Witchcraft is the arena of umthakathi. Speaking of abathakathi (plural), can the umthakathi who put a spell of Forex and Bitcoin scammers on me lift it now, it’s enough.

A new, colloquial term, doing the rounds is “slayngoma” - a fashionable, Instagram-loving sangoma.

I have a question: Is being isangoma, and getting paid for it, a second job - moonlighting?

At the rate people are becoming izangoma, job interviews should go thus.

Employer: Do you think you might have a calling in future? Does anyone in your family have a calling? Tell me about your dreams. No, not your hopes and ambitions. Amaphupho. Uphupha ngani, Sisi?

A few years back, a sangoma friend called me to tell me that my ancestors had contacted his ancestors to tell them to tell him to tell me I have a calling. I told him to tell his ancestors not to listen to those drunks and junkies, as my lineage has a long history of substance abuse.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is um’godoyi. Um’godoyi is a stray dog or mongrel.

Did you know the English word for um’godoyi is um’dog’oyi?

Don’t blame me. It’s the Limpompo sun that’s pun’ishing me.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is thola. Thola is find and get. But for the purposes of this post, we will focus on it as find.

Dear So-and-So,

I hope this mail finds you in a well.

I hope this mail finds you welding.

I hope this mail finds you well ...

I hope this mail finds you Welcome Ncitha

I hope this mail finds you wellington

I hope this mail finds you Welsh

I hope this mail finds you welterweight

I hope this mail finds you welfare

I hope this mail finds you Welch

I hope this mail finds you welt

I hope this mail finds you siwelele.

I hope this mail finds you iwele

I hope this mail finds you iwewe

If you ever thola a mail from me, do not be surprised if it begins with one of the above lines because I would be trying to break the monotony of emails that start with “I hope this mail tholas you well”.
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is ubani. Ubani is the question “who?”.

So who burned the police van in Senekal? Ubani?

I refuse to believe that honest, hard-working, law-abiding, food-providing farmers could do something so barbaric. No way. It wasn’t them. I bet it was a stunt by some fancy, Sandton ad agency, trying to win awards, with a campaign, launching Fokofpolisiekar’s latest album. Yup, that’s it. Trust me, I work in advertising.

If it wasn’t an ad agency stunt, it was members of the EFF, dressed in boer disguise because there is no way it could have been God-fearing, family-loving, nation-carrying boere, who burnt that police car. Nooit, Meneer. In fact, a farmer that was there told me he heard someone say “Amandla”, as the flames started to lick the dashboard of the van. He says he hadn’t brought it up before because he initially thought the person had called out to Amanda, but now he is 100% sure it was “Amandla”.

If it wasn’t EFF members in boer disguise, it was ANC Youth League members in boer disguise because it is impossible that it was salt-of-the-earth, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-their-mouths, country-loving farmers that set that police van alight. No way. Never. In fact, a farmer’s girlfriend came over to my place and told me a reliable source told her the whole thing had been put out to tender, which was then awarded to a corrupt comrade. It apparently will all be laid bare at the Zondo Commission.

However, if it was not the EFF or ANC Youth League in boer disguise, it must have been members of the ANC Women’s League in boer disguise. It obviously couldn’t have been farmers. They only burn wors, tjops and their insides with brandewyn, but never police vans. Never ever. In fact, as the flames were roaring, someone heard “Wathinta imbokodo, wathinta abafazi”. At first, they thought it was just some farm worker’s wife, speaking rubbish, but now they are 100% sure it was a member of the ANC Women’s League, celebrating.

Okay, let’s suspend all disbelief, and say it was protesting farmers that burned the police van. I know, I know … but just try imagining it was them. Then it obviously was the Devil that made them do it because it is not in their good nature to do such a barbaric thing. No way. They were possessed by evil spirits and weren’t themselves. It was evil, Bantu spirits that entered their pure, Christian bodies and led them astray, causing them to behave in an uncharacteristic manner. They behaved in very unboer-like because in the history of this country, there have been zero recorded incidents of boere violence. None. Niks. Lutho. South Africa has never experienced boere rage because farmers are peaceful, loving people. In fact, if you dig deep, you will learn that “kumbaya” was originally an Afrikaans word – same with “namaste” and “ubuntu”. Even the Zion Christian Church expropriated the greeting “Kgotso (peace)” from the boere, and they did so without compensation. They just took it, which makes sense because the Zion Christian Church is headquartered in Limpopo and Julius is from Limpopo.

Okay, on a serious note, it seems it was the farmers who burned that police van, but it is okay because it wasn’t the EFF, the ANC, the ANCY Youth League, the ANC Women’s League, Cosatu, AMCU, SASCO or any of those barbaric organisations. The police van was burned by otherwise level-headed, decent and respectful boere, who were pushed too far. It is okay that they did what they did, and we must all just move on. I get it. I get it so much, if I could I would walk around in a T-shirt that reads “The boere were pushed too far”. The T-shirt would also feature a visual of an overturned police van on fire and a smiling boer, braaing vluis over that fire, brandy and coke in hand. I say I would wear this T-shirt IF I COULD because the reality is I can’t. I can’t because the barbaric EFF, ANC, ANC Youth League, ANC Women’s League, SACP and Cosatu would attack me. If these guys wouldn’t attack me, I would wear this T-shirt with pride.

Okay, I wouldn’t because what those protesters did is criminal, and the perpetrators should be punished accordingly.

The reality is crime is a scourge in this country, especially violent crime. We, normal citizens of all races, are under siege and it is relentless. It is really is. Cash-in-transit heists, home invasions, farm murders, gang violence, femicide, infanticide, high jackings, farm workers being fed to lions, robberies – it is an ongoing snuff movie and we are unwilling extras. We have been let down by the government and the police. All of us. No one victim of crime is more important than another. No one life has more value than another. No one section of the population feels the hurt more than another. We are all in this mess together, and we are all hurting, scared and angry. These feelings of anger and frustration do not give anyone the right to break the law. No one should be a vigilante, no one should burn schools, no one should burn stores, and no one should attack the police, burning a police car. There is no justification for such behaviour.

Those who justify what the protesting Senekal farmers did, while condemning #feesmustfall protesters, the EFF and countless other protesters, who have resorted before need to search their souls to find answers to why they think it is okay for one group of people to act in this way but not for others. They need to look at why they have different feelings towards the different groups. What is it about these groups of South Africans that makes them have different reactions to their actions? Those people need to take a long, hard look at themselves and their worldview. Or maybe they don’t need to do any of this, as they know very well what informs their feelings about different sections of the South African population, and they are fine with that.

Anyway, back to Fokofpolisiejkar – if they do not release a single, just to exploit this Senekal situation, I will know for sure the saying “n boer maak n plaan” is a lie.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak #everydayTsek
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Dear Friends of Everyday Zulu.

A few days ago, I posted about an initiative to try end global poverty. I used the word “inhlupheko”, which is poverty in isiZulu. I also explained that the root word is hlupha (bother/harass/bug) because inhlupheko is the great bothering, and those who live in poverty are harassed mentally, spiritually, emotionally and even physically.

The initiative is called Thankyou, and they are trying to get Unilever and P&G to partner with them. For this, they are asking for our help. They ask us to post I’m in, are you?, using the hashtag #Thankyoutotheworld , tagging @uniliver and @proctergamble

Understandably, a few people had questions. I hope the interviews below will help.

eNCA interview youtu.be/C2SBnV5C0MI

Newzroom Afrika interview broadcastmedia7.novusgroup.co.za/view/index.php?id=2000000000005787254&filename=Newzroom_Afrika_2...

I’m in, are you?
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Today's isiZulu word is ishumi. Ishumi is 10 and R 1.00 (ten Shillings).

The word sounds like the Tshivenda word for work - shuma. In fact, when you say "I am unemployed" in Tshivenda, you say "*A ndi shumi". I bring this up because today I am reminded of a story I tell in my book "Everyday Zulu". The story relates to how residents of Meadowlands Zone 9 and 10 have to walk through S'godiphola in Soweto to get home, after getting off the train at Ikwesi Station. Both Meadowlands and S'godiphola are townships in Soweto, but S'godiphola is predominantly isiZulu-speaking, while Meadowlands Zones 9 and 10 are predominantly Tshivenda and Xitsonga-speaking.

When we were little kids, we used to sit and watch the people attempting to walk through to Meadowlands Zones 9 and 10 get robbed by our neighbourhood teenage delinquents. Yes, that was our version of playing Grand Theft Auto.

This one day, the boys approached a man and tried to rob him, but he cried out "A NDI SHUMI", telling them he was unemployed therefore had no money. The boys didn't understand Tshivenda and thought he had said he only had R 1.00 on him. Veli, who later died during a car chase with the police, bellowed back "Sifuna lona lelo shumi" - "that R 1.00 is exactly what we want".
Anyway, today we learned that Phillip Trutter, the former CFO of Venda Mutual Bank, has been given a sentence of ishumi years, 3 of them suspended.

Now if the white guy that turned state witness got ishumi years, how many amashumi (plural) are the others going to get. *in my best Tshivenda* CRIME A YI SHUMI.

*I suspect I got "A ndi shumi" wrong. Please forgive me my Vha Venda friends.

#everydayzulu and some Tshivenda #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is imbecile. Imbecile is an imbecile.

I know many imbeciles think this is an English word, but that’s because they are imbeciles. If you are not an imbecile, you can easily see that imbecile is an isiZulu word. However, if you are an imbecile, you whole-heartedly believe imbecile is English. What an imbecile. As people who are not imbeciles say “imbecile is as imbecile does”. People like me.

Don’t be an imbecile - just accept that imbecile is isiZulu for imbecile. The British stole it from us. Only an imbecile doesn’t know that theft is their thing.

I am starting a petition - #BringBackOurImbecile No, not that Kevin Pieterson imbecile. The Brit thieves must keep that imbecile.

How much you believe this post reveals how much of an imbecile you are.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s is isiZulu word is umbuzo. Umbuzo is a question.

Life advice. If you have umbuzo, and you know Google will not be able to help, follow these steps.

1) Post that umbuzo on your FB page.
2) Get a clear answer or two.
3) Delete the umbuzo.

If you leave the umbuzo up, a million people will respond, even though they can see you’ve gotten the answer you needed. Then it will turn into a fight. Then into a full-on race war. Then there will be tears. Then you will get inboxes, accusing you of “letting your black friends abuse me, when I was just being helpful. I thought you were a fair person, Maluvi”.

It does not matter what the umbuzo is.

It’s wild.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Greetings friends of Melusi's Everyday Zulu.

My new book "Magenge, we need to talk" will be in stores from the 31st of October.
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Today’s isiZulu phrase is nja ndini. Nja ndini is bloody dog or damn dog. Not bloody as in bleeding, but as in irritating or infuriating.

Yesterday after a long day of Zooming, Google Meeting and MS Teaming, my team was laughing about the different times our parents came to our Model C/D and Private School parents' evenings, only to discover the white people had given us new names because our original ones were “difficult”. We had obviously resisted these names but many eventually relented.

The one guy told us he had won an award and the Headmaster said "Congratulations to Nick", and as he got up to get the award his parents said to him "Ungu Nick wena?"

When they got back home, his dad renamed their family dog Nick, as a way of telling his son “Nja ndini, you have disappointed me by accepting this Nick nonsense, when your real name is Nkululeko”.

Anyway, don’t be a nja ndini today. Be kind and friendly.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is ntofontofo. Ntofontofo is comfortable - soft, cushy.

I wonder how many people thought Toffo-O-Luxe got its name from being luxurious and a symbol of a comfortable life - ntofontofo. I sure did. Whenever I had Toffo-O-Luxe, I thought I was living the life, man. The ntofontofo life. That's how low the standards were.

Now I know better. I know living the real ntofontofo life - the real deal - is 3-ply toilet paper. 3-damn-ply! Oh, man, having that much of a barrier, between your fingers and your crap is the stuff of heaven. Cloud 9. Way better than using a newspaper or the Yellow Pages. I imagine it's better than a newspaper or Yellow Pages for lady bits, but I could be wrong - there are some scruffy, hardy women in this world, real tough cookies. I do not mean to say they are less feminine, just tough - Ford tough.

I sacrifice many of life’s essentials to afford the ntofontofoness that is 3-ply toilet paper - gym, tithes, political party donations ...

Seriously, you gotta be shitting me or yourself, if you haven't tried the ntofontofo life that is 3-ply toilet paper.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not sponsored by the makers of any ntofontofo toilet paper. Not even DJ Sbu. I also understand that not everyone can afford 3-ply toilet paper. To not afford it does not make you a lesser person, but oksalayo intofontofo.
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is uhulumeni. Uhulumeni is the government.

How many politicians does it take to not change a lightbulb, even though a tender was put out, awarded and people were paid?

Uhulumeni.
🏃🏾🏃🏾🏃🏾🏃🏾
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is ekhaya. Ekhaya is at home.

Cyril said you can go to the club, but the clubs must close at 00:00 then at 4am, you must be ekhaya. Cyril gets it. He knows that you lot will not go straight to ekhaya, after the club. You are first going to spread Covid-19 and other nasties at each other's places in Midrand.

Your actual lovers will then spend Night Shift Vodacom free airtime, calling you to find out why you aren't back ekhaya yet.

I’ve been on both sides of the post-nightclub “where the hell are you?” coin. I know it well. Don’t judge me - I was young and dumb.

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is phaqa. Phaqa means pure and authentic, especially when referring to a Zulu person. A Zulu person, who liniage is pure Zulu is um'Zulu phaqa. I am not um'Zulu phaqa because my mother's father was a half-Portuguese coloured Tsonga man from Mozambique - you can see it in my brother. But if you look close enough, you can see it in me. My mother's mother's people are from eMsinga so they are Zulu phaqa as are my dad's people from eMnambithi.

Anyway, lockdown made me poor, but I wrote a book "Magenge, we need to talk", created a podcast and incorporated an isiZulu spellchecker into my website. The spellchecker (Phaqa) will go live next week and will be freely available for anyone to use. Phaqa checks your spelling and recommends words, should the spelling be incorrect. The podcast (Melusi's Everyday Zulus) will be launched next week as well. Melusi's Everyday Zulus features me, chatting with prominent Zulu people and Zulu speakers, who might not necessarily be amaZulu. Each chat revolves around an isiZulu word or expression.

This period has not been a complete waste, but I do need to get back to making money. As such, I am available for freelance - Copywriting and Creative Direction. I work directly with brands but also work with agencies - melusi@everydayzulu.co.za
Craig, no, Phaqa is not pronounced "fucker', jou shit.
#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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A few weeks ago, a homey of mine launched #zulufied

On that page he explains isiZulu words and expressions to isiZulu-speakers. It’s all in isiZulu so if you cannot read the language just stay here with me. If you can read the language, I encourage you to follow #zulufied - it’s a fun page, but don’t ditch me. See, I am not possessive.#ZULUFIED
Ake sibheke nasi isisho.

#Ikati_Lilele_Eziko

#IKATI - Isilwane esinemlenze emine esingadle ngabude nabukhulu esiphuphuzela uboya. Sinobungani leslwane asinalo udlame kodwa mangabe sichukuluzwa siyingozi ngezinzipho futhi siwusizo mangabe uxakwe amagundane endlini.

#IZIKO - Lena indawo lapho kubaselwa khona umlilo ilapho kuphekelwa khona.

Qhaphela: Akusho ukuthi la kunomlilo khona iseZiko kepha lapho kuphekelwa khona ilapho okuyiZiko. Iziko liyaba iziko umlilo ungekho ngoba kusuke kuseyindawo yokuphekela.

Ikati lilele eziko - lokhu kuchaza ukuthi umlilo awukho ngoba lingasha ikati makukhona umlilo eziko. Ukungabi khona komlilo lokhu kuchaza ukuthi amabhodwe awabekiwe okusobala akuphekiwe ukudla akukho kuhlushekiwe.

Angikhohlwa ngizunywa isivakashi kanti IKATI LILELE EZIKO 😭 ngingasabitozi ngingazi ngzokwenzenjani nezikelemu zilokhu zisho kuLoud speaker💔 ingane yabantu yakhipha uR50 yathi asithenge isinkwa noPolony NGASULA NGEKATI😋 sithe sesilala ngithi ngyasondela kwathiwa linda amandla awukabi nawo ukudla akukakagayeki esiswini💔😭 ngezwa ubudoda bami bufinyela kuhle kwekhanda lofudu🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Class dismissed.
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is onkamisa. Onkamisa is vowels. The root word is khamisa - open your mouth. As such, onkamisa are letters that make you open your mouth - a, e, i, o, u ...

Yeses, I had a such a struggle with the isiZulu proofreader on my new book. She insisted on conjoining words. It seriously left me doubting myself and my sanity but I had to put my foot down.

The conjoining of isiZulu words is a real scourge. That and wanting to drop onkamisa.

What the hell is “Ungang’tshel’ ukuth’ uyaph’”?

Her reasoning behind dropping onkamisa was that she was trying to make the writing authentic to kasi speak. Fuseg. Our languages have been broken by years of neglect, and we are trying to fix the situation so NO.

Ngicishe ngagwaza umuntu (I almost stabbed someone). She was gaslighting me, man, and I haven’t fully recovered, which is why I am up, writing about this shit so early in the morning.

Anyway, my book “*Magenge, we need to talk” will be in stores at the of October. It is kind of unkamisa (singular of onkamisa), as it will leave you with your mouth wide open - agape.

*Magenge is kasi speak for “dudes, gents, fellas”. The root word is gang. Magenge is part of slang across the length and breadth of “black” South Africa.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu letters are c, q and x. These letters are the ones responsible for the clicks.
If the clicks make you want to pull out your flat, normal or fine hair - blame these letters.
If you want to EFFing burn the EFFing clicks - blame these letters.
If you find yourself wanting to boycott the clicks - blame these letters.
These letters are trouble-makers of the worst kind. They are worse than having to deal with dull, dry, damaged or frizzy hair. Arg, damn clicks.
BONUS: Isihluthu is natural, African hair that has grown out - an Afro. Izihluthu is the plural.
Hluthuka is to lose one's temper.
It's clear - do not diss isihluthu because we will hluthuka. I hope that clicks.

Enroll for the Everyday Zulu course and wrap your head around the clicks. It’ll help you better click with people, who have isihluthu. Visit www.everydayzulu.co.za to enroll.
#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu is lungisa. Lungisa is fix.

I don’t understand South Africans - people complain that the country is broken. Then Kaizer Chiefs steps up and fixes things, including matches, and people complain. This great football club must be hired to lungisa Eskom and other SOE’s.

It’s the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” brigade that just doesn’t get it. Listen, people - IT’S ALL BROKEN AND WE ARE BROKE AND BROKEN. We have reached that point, but heroes from Phefeni are stepping up, despite the memory of what happened when Protea players, including the captain, tried to fix broken cricket matches.

Salute to Amakhosi.

NB: The “fix” in match fixing does not mean to lungisa. It means keep in place - as in the final result is fixed in place, before the match kicks off or the first ball bowled.

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Today's isiZulu word is isifonyo. Isifonyo is a mask.

The word was originally applied to a type of muzzle, used on calves to stop them from suckling and dogs to stop them from biting. That muzzle covers the nose and mouth, just like the masks, we need to keep wearing so we don't "bite" ourselves and each other, by spreading Covid-19.

So wear your isifonyo, like the good calf you are. Keep wearing it because "Who's a good boy? You. You're good boy. You are".

A similar sounding word is ukufinya (blow your nose), which is what some people have been doing into their izifonyo (plural). Don't pretend you haven't been finying into your izifonyo - I know you; you are gross, Finyifonyo. 🤮

#evenydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is nami. Nami is "me too/even me".

Not too long ago, I participated in an online, live discussion. Trying to not look out of touch, I made sure those watching knew nami I have bookshelves and read. I am one of the cool kids.

David Kau ke Mosotho so nami I had to speak isiSuthu.

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Today's isiZulu word is hlaza. Hlaza is to shame/embarrass/humiliate.

Hlaza can also relate to the colour green, rawness and crudeness.

We live in a world that just wants to hlaza us. You will be hlaza-ed for the colour of your skin. Your weight. Your religious beliefs. Your sexual orientation. Your level of education. Anything really.

But there is a kind of hlaza-ing, I have been seeing take root on social media, and it makes me sick. Sick to my stomach. It also makes my blood boil and gets my goat. It riles me up. Yes, all the idioms. Add yours as well.

However, I, as Melusi Doctor Tshabalala, take a stand today. I will not be bullied.

Let it be known that I refuse to be hlaza-ed for putting sugar in amasi. I will not stand for that kind of bigotry. No, Sir. Not today. Not ever, Satan. You will not hlaza me. YOU. WILL. NOT.

Amasi = cereal/dessert.

But the lunatics, who put sugar on avocado are the worst. Eew. They hlaza humanity.

Anyway, don't hlaza yourself and your family, by not signing up for the isiZulu beginner course @ www.everydayzulu.co.za
With the beginner course, you learn more than just a word a day.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is gunda. Gunda is cut (hair/grass/nails).

My ex-barber had forced himself on me. Not like that.

A few years back, I walked into the barbershop, needing to gunda my hair and didn't care which one of the barbers would do it. This guy was the first one to jump up so he got to gunda my hair.

The next time I went, he acted like I was his client, even though that wasn't the case. So possessive. He didn't even give me the chance to experiment with the other barbers in the shop. He was just like "you are mine. come over here and let me hit it".

Then a few months back, he moved and Whatsapped me his new location, which is much further. I went a couple of times, but two weeks ago, I found the strength to go to a barbershop closer to home.

I have finally broken off that toxic relationship.

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is umzala. Umzala is a cousin. The root word is zala (give birth), which means umzala is of your blood.

White friend: She is my first cousin, twice removed.

Me: Don’t try remove her a third time. She is cute, and should stay.

Cousin: I like this guy.

Me: *Uzomitha.

I had to mention that these are white people because WTF is “first cousin, twice removed”. Don’t try explain it. We will stick to umzala. Thank you.

*You will fall pregnant.

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s bonus isiZulu word is gologo. Gologo is spirits (booze). The search is over. Well, as of Tuesday. For now, we search.

Design by VM DSGN Vumile Mavumengwana

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is basa.

Basa is to set alight/set on fire/start a fire. Colloquially it can be used to mean “give a hot hiding”. Basalona would be an instruction - “set this individual alight/give him a hot hiding”, which is what the Bayern coach told his players about the Basa goalie.

I have been watching the highlights over and over. My favourite moment is when Suarez scores Barca's second goal to make it 4-2, giving them hope of a comeback. You can see the renewed belief on their faces.

They ended up being basa-ed 8-2. 😂😂

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Ihaba is exaggeration/hyperbole.

Don't shoot me. I am just the messenger.

Design by VM DSGN Vumile Mavumengwana.
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Iscefe is an irritant. When you say something inescefe, you mean it’s irritating. A person on other hand, unescefe.

Isibindi is the liver, but is also bravery - gall. When you say someone une liver, you mean that person has gall.

As such, iLockdown inescefe. uAce Magashule une liver.
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Today’s isiZulu word is bona. Bona is see.

The thing I like most about social media is having a diverse set of friends, allowing me to bona lives I otherwise would know nothing about it.

I bona the people who are crazy, over animals. Or as we call them, crazy.

I bona the Herbalife squad. I am still going to ask them how.

I bona the gender activists. Draade wat skok.

I bona the young, Eastern Cape Xhosas. Kwekh.

I bona the knitters, the crocheters and the quilters. They never quit.

I bona the people who are transitioning, between genders. I hope you find happiness.

Did I mention that I bona the crazy people, with animals? I did. Okay. Them.

I bona the PhD candidates. All the best.

I bona the conspiracy professionals. y-Ickes.

I bona the “Zuckerberg wants to use my pics” crowd. No one wants your pics. Stop copying and pasting nonsense.

I bona the FB Story catfishers. You ain’t hooking me.

I bona the Farm Murder reporters. Yes, farm murders are a bad thing. No sane person thinks any murder is good.

I bona the Vusis.

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Today's isiZulu word is mamatheka. Mamatheka is smile.

There are many things that make me mamatheka; Marmite is not one of them, mate. Nope. It does the opposite - it makes me akehtamam. Akehtamam is not a real word. It's just mamatheka going in the opposite direction, like when Marmite makes food go out of my stomach instead of into it.

Anyone that likes Marmite is definitely a lunatic. Even Marmite know this and to make sure we know they know this they created a Marmite-scented deodorant. I almost akehtamam-ed just typing that. Who the hell wants to smell like Marmite? We bath and use deodorant because we are trying to not smell like shit. But now the people at Marmite and Axe want us to give them our money for making us smell like shit. What sort of deranged minds came up with this then mamatheka-ed, pleased with themselves?

To top it all off, they called this abomination AFRICA. Tsek. This is nothing to mamatheka about.

In the accompanying Marmite-on-toast art, we have two, bearded dudes, kissing. Those aren't masks on their faces - they have creepy RnB singer-type beards.

#everydayzulu #everdayspeak
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Ukwanda is to extend/expand/grow.

Who wants this, as a T-shirt?
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Were you home, listening to Melusi’s Everyday Zulu on Kaya FM yesterday? Jenny Crwys Wlliams did a great job with the Jerusalema lyrics. She didn’t sing the song but read the lyrics.

Melusi’s Everyday Zulu is on Kaya FM every Saturday morning at around 10:35, and has been for the past, two years.

Hlala ekhaya = stay home. I don’t know why Kaya FM is not Khaya FM.

Design by VM DSGN Vumile Mavumengwana.
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Abangani = friends.
Waze wafika = You (have) finally/eventually arrived.
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This weekend's isiZulu word is phepha. Phepha is "be safe". Safety is ukuphepha.

Iphepha is paper. That word obviously comes from English's "paper", as we did not have paper, before being colonised. We used iPads.

Back to phepha; I think Peppa Pig would be a great safety mascot - Phepha with Peppa Pig. I wrote a song to go with Peppa Pig the Phepha mascot. But first I need to take you through some words that feature in the song.

Phupha - dream
Iphupho - a/the dream
Phapha - to be tjatjarag
Phipha - clean up (bodily waste)
Iphaphu - a/the lung
Impepho - sage
Phephuka - blow away (by the wing)

Here goes:
Phepha with Peppa Pig.
Phepha with Peppa pig.
She uses impepho - that's Phepha Pig.
She phupha-ed iphupho - did Peppa Pig.
She's pink like iphaphu - that's Peppa Pig
She won't let you phephuka.
She won't let you phapha.
She'll make sure you phepha.
She'll phipha you. Your poopoo. With iphepha.
That's Peppa Pig.

Peppa with Phepha Phig.

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak

VISUAL BY Vumile Mavumengwana VM DSGN.
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Today's isiZulu word is didile. Didile is to have been confused. Ingididile - it confused me. Isididile - it confused us. Ibadidile - it confused them. Imudidile - it confused him/her. Inididile - it confused you (plural). Ikudidile - it confused you. Ungididile - you/he/she confused me.

A similar sounding word is umdidi. Umdidi is an asshole - both anatomically and colloquially. Some view this as a swear word. I apologise, if you are offended.

People will tell you didile and umdidi are not related. Don't listen to those people. Anyway, when did you start listening to experts? You get all your knowledge from assholes on the internet. I'm an asshole on the internet so you must believe me, when I say didile and umdidi are related.

You see, when assholes on the internet give you information that leaves you thinking "Hey, this woman ungididile. This thing she said ingididile", it's because they are making an ass of you. They are making you umdidi. They are diding you, which can also be taken to mean they are giving "it" to you up the butt. Maybe you like that. I don't judge.

If you don't want to be made into an ass, you really must thoroughly interrogate all information, you come across. You must popola (examine) it, like a proctologist popolas a poephol because you most likely are dealing with one. A peophol, not a proctologist.

Speaking of proctologists - I can just imagine a young person, telling their parents about that career choice.

Kid: Mom, I want to be a proctologist.

Mom: That's one that popolas poephols, right?

Kid: Yes, mother dear.

Mom: Your career choice ingididile.

Kid: Hehehe. You said didile, while talking about umdidi. Hehehe.

Mom: Go to your room.

Kid: We live in a one-room shack, ma. I am in my room.

Mom: Fuck. Those assholes chowed the tender money to build RDP houses. Well, at least they bought themselves G-Wagons so we all win.

Anyway ...

Another similar-sounding word is didiyela. No, it's not an asshole parliamentarian, yelling "Madam, speaker". Didiyela is to brew. This also makes sense because booze turns you into an ass, which is why I can't wait for bottle stores to reopen. Is'dididi dithers.

If this post ikudidile it's because I am some asshole on the internet.

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Today's isiZulu word is hlukumeza. Hlukumeza is abuse (verb).

Fellow South Africans, I am disappointed in us because we have been watching abuse happen in front of our eyes, and we have been quiet. This Malusi Gigaba thing has gone on for far too long - years, and has to come to an end.

My sort-of namesake is being hlukumeza-ed, but no one cares. It breaks my heart. The ANC's man-child abuse must be stopped. Malusi must be left alone to live his man-child fantasies and not be burdened with national or even party duties. The man-child just wants to play Candy Crush and put joysticks in people's mouths. Why can he not be left to do that in peace? Why?

Comrades, talk to the leadership of the ANC. Let them know we are concerned. In fact, the Hawks must investigate the ANC for man-child abuse. That is the real threat to Malusi's life.

Please, Comrades. #savemalusifromgrowingup

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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A friend of mine created this for me. It's awesome. Now I must just get Isuzu to partner with Melusi's Everyday Zulu. If you know someone at Isuzu, please hook a brother up. ... See MoreSee Less

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Today’s isiZulu phrase is “niya zazi”. Niya zazi is “you know yourselves” or “you know them (things)”. You know them (people) is niya bazi.

Over 35-year-old gents, niya zazi. Young women, niya bazi.

NB: The non-English bits in the meme are in Sesotho, as I did not create the meme. In isiZulu it would have been “Ngicela i-18-year-old ye-Lagavulin, ama-Veuve Rich awu-six, ama-Ice Tropez awu-24 kanye ne-meat platter ka R800”.

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Today's isiZulu word is mi. Mi is "here, take this".

They say the government gave out contracts worth how much for PPE? Just "mi, ama billion". It's nice here in South Africa.

Anyway, to me it sounds like we should have a shitload of PPE then. There should just be people, walking around, handing out PPE.

You're in the toilet, doing a number 2, when you realise there is no toilet paper. A PPE genie pops up, hands you a disposable mask and says "Mi, wipe with this". Maybe for ladies it could even be after a number 1 as well, but I cannot be sure because ya'll are sensitive down there - the next thing, there is an outbreak of PPE thrush on your peepee things. Now the government must borrow another R 500 billion so they can procure Canesten 1CV for all of you.

Anyway. That was some tangent, right?

You're rushing to the Shul, and in your haste to be one the 50, you forget your yamaka. Worry not. A PPE genie pops, up, hands you an N95 mask and says "Mi, Schmendrick".

You’re shooting a hip-hop music video but your stylist fell ill so you don’t have cool outfits. PPE genie pops up and gives you hazmat suits, saying “Mi, my N-word. N-word stands for N95, my nigga”.

You've finally decided you need sex and visited your lover. When you get there, you realise you don't have condoms. PPE genie pops up and saves the day, by cutting a finger (probably the thumb) off a glove then says "Mi, don't pretend it won't fit".

Mi - today's Everyday Zulu post.

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Today's isiZulu word is uSilili. uSilili is Cyril Ramaphosa - the President of this here cowntry.

Kidding, uSilili is not an isiZulu word; people just playfully call him uSilili because in isiZulu, the letter "R" gets converted to"L", and non-Zulu South Africans are amused by this. Silly kids abasile (who are naughty).

Anyway, uSilili addressed us last night. uSilili was vely siliyas ( very serious, if you apply the same"R-L" rule). But some say uSilili was vely siliyasly silly, opening and closing schools willy nilly. Silale ngesililo (we went to bed, feeling sorrowful).

Maybe Isilo (the Zulu King) or uSello (Chicco Twala) must talk to uSilili. Somebody has to. Usile uSilili (Cyril is naughty).

Anyway, salani noSilili ovely siliyasly silly.

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Today's isiZulu word is thakatha. Thakatha is bewitch - cast a spell.

Covid-19 really feels like witchcraft. But this time around, it’s not your jealous neighbours and colleagues that have thakatha-ed you because they cannot stand all your winning. It’s not even your spouse, who has thakatha-ed you so you never leave them. While we are on the matter of spouses that thakatha each other, there was a morning, when I was driving to a meeting, while listening to the radio – Ukhozi FM. They were discussing using imithi (medicines/potions) to keep one’s marriage strong, and even had a medicine man in studio, talking about the various spells one can cast.

The presenters then opened up the lines to callers. To my surprise, and to that of the presenters, the bulk of the callers were men. These men came on air and spoke about how they use imithi to keep their wives in line and their marriages strong. I was blown away. For as long as I have been alive, I have been led to believe it’s women, who do this thing. This was a revelation, and even the medicine man confirmed that the bulk of his clients were men. So, ladies, you are not in love. You have been thakatha-ed.

Anyway, back to the witchcraft that is Covid-19. Seeing as this disease is wreaking havoc across the globe, the spell must have been cast by someone or something that hates us all. My money is on Uranus. Yup, it is Uranus that is thakatha-ing us. A tweet by a certain president, whose country has a space force probably triggered this. We were worried that he would plunge us into the 3rd World War – nuclear war. But no, he plunges us into the 1st Solar System War. Uranus is winning.

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Today's isiZulu word is iphumile. Iphumile is "it is out". It can also be part of a question. In that case, you might add a "na", after the word. Or not.

As in "Iphumile na iBritain from EU"? No, serious ... iphumile?

I mean even Megan and Harry baphumile eBritain (they are out).

Even iCovid iphumile eChina, and is terrorising the world.

iR 500 billion relief fund iphumile and got chowed.

Back to Britain - iphumile? What is happening over there?

I know for a fact iMan U iphumile from the FA cup. Out. Phu. Mi. Le.

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This weekend's isiZulu phrase is vuka uzenzele. Vuka uzenzele is "get up and make things happen for yourself".

The attached pics are of a private, Afrikaans medium university, rising from the ground. Solidarity rallied their community around a solid vision and plan, raised funds and here we are.

Being "woke" is not enough. That's the vuka part. Where is the "uzenzele" part? Forget politicians and their greed.

The above are my 67 words for Mandela Day.

NB: What one thinks of Solidarity's agenda is neither here nor there. Have your own agenda nawe.

Vuka uzenzele also comes in handy, during winter.

Partner wants a sandwich? You: Vuka uzenzele.
Partner wants sexual shenanigans? You: Vuka uzenzele.
Infant wants milk? You: Vuka uzenzele.
#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Today’s isiZulu word is angiqondi. Angiqondi is “I don’t understand”. It can also be “I don’t go straight/straighten” or “I do not mean”. For today, we go with “I don’t understand”.

Angiqondi why people get upset about social networks, selling their data. You think these guys run these businesses, just so you can share memes and your cat pics, while they get nothing out of it? Kanjani? Aniqondi (you do not understand) how business works?

Me, I am giving Mark Zukazuka my data. It also makes me feel wanted. 😍

Qonda is understand. It’s also straight and mean. Qonda is revealing of us, as a people - we are direct. Like Former President Zuma, we do not have time for meandos. You mustn’t hint, insinuate or allude. Just come out with it, demmit. Do you qondastand?

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Today’s isiZulu phrase is amasosha om’zimba. Amasosha om’zimba is the immune system. Directly translated, it’s “soldiers of the body” or “the body’s soldiers”. Amasosha is soldiers, but the real isiZulu word for soldiers is amabutho. Om’zimba is “of the body".

As a kid, I figured this silly name the immune system was used with us because we were kids and dumb. Later in life, I learned that it’s the official name, and was horrified – it’s childish and patronising. You will never catch me using it because I am no longer 6-years-old. I just say i-immune system. Sure, I sound like I have a stutter, when I say i-immune system, but a stutter is better than sounding like a fucking 6-year-old. Speaking of stutter – I used to think it’s “starter” because you keep starting to speak. Anyway …

I don't know who this fella in the video is, but he says corrupt ANC comrades that have contracted Covid-19 should not be prosecuted because their immune system will weaken further from the stress of facing the music. He needs to be put against a wall and have amasosha shoot him on his um'zimba. Nja.

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If you aren’t too busy, let’s hang out tonight - 7pm, as we discuss the Collection Book. I will be sitting in the dark, with only candles for light, via load shedding. Hmmmm, romantic. ... See MoreSee Less

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Today's isiZulu word is abangani. Abangani is friends. The singular is umngani.

Morning Whatsapp shenanigans.

Umngani: So, Friend X, you know I am always trying to empower myself, with knowledge about the world around me. As such, I hope you won't mind me, asking you a few questions.

Gay umngani: What now?

Umngani: Don't be like that. Okay, so do you want us to use gender-neutral pronouns with you?

Gay umngani: What the fuck?

Umngani: Do you? Maybe you've been scared to bring it up.

Gay umngani: When have I ever been scared of you?

Umnangi: Okay. So we must continue, calling you "he/him"?

Gay umniano: Fokof, wena man.

Umngani: You have never considered a sex change? You don't feel trapped in the wrong body?

Gay umngani: I am a man that likes banging men.

Umngani: Hhooooh, the ones of gender-neutrality and sex change have real, deep things going on, but you are just a pervert.

Gay umngani: Hhayi, fuck you.

Umngani: Noooo, I am also a pervert and that is why we are friends. Pervert friends.

Me: It could be a great game show - Pervert Friends Like These. I'd host that shit.

Gay umngani: Host kanjani, when you'd also be a contestant?

DISCLAIMER: Homosexuality is not a perversion, but you can be a gay pervert. Or a straight one. A straight pervert and a gay pervert can have a strong bond, based on their perverted ideas. But a non-perverted straight guy and a non-perverted gay guy can also be abangani just because. Anyone can be abangani, with anyone. Just don't be abangani that are boring.

I am a straight non-pervert pervert, with many perverted abangani.

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is igcwele. Igcwele is "it is full".

People are on social media, saying things like "taxis are operating at full capacity, but I can’t have my cigarettes and wine. the people in those taxis are spreading the disease, while I would just drink at home".

First of all, commuters don’t decide how taxis operate. Let’s not vilify taxi commuters. What is needed is empathy.

Do you think the people in those full taxis are happy to be coming to your house to wash your panties and your man's undies? Do you think they are excited about risking their lives to come make you cappuccino and garlic baked butter salmon for minimum wage at Café De La Privilegé? No one wants to die, just so they sweep floors, fill petrol tanks, deal with rude customers.

Do you not think everybody would rather be home, working via MS Teams, while sipping on chardonnay or tea? Your heart igcwele, and you know igcwele what. No, it's not gratitude.

If you are ready for a fight, and your gat igcwele (you are gatvol) about our government that has not been able to dismantle apartheid systems that keep so many black people poor, needing to travel long distances in crowded taxis, busses and trains - just to serve ungrateful gits, you have me in your corner. My support for you igcwele. Let’s go get them. Siba gcwalisele. No? Oh, well ...

Try not confuse igcwele with ngcwele. Ngcwele is "holy", as in “ngcwele shit, that Melusi pisses me off”. He is so preachy.
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Today’s isiZulu word is ikhefu. Ikhefu is a break/leave.

The word sounds eerily like i-curfew, doesn’t it? Maybe that’s why the President hit us with ikhefu and i-curfew. We have been ordered to take ikhefu from drinking so the country’s health systems and workers can take ikhefu from the strain alcohol-related trauma were causing. I-curfew was also put in place to help with this ikhefu.

Dronkie, don’t khefuzela (pant) over this - the ventilators are currently occupied, by those who really need them. But if you work in the booze business or own one, you have every right to khefuzela, over this development. It’s a serious blow to your Solar Plexus. Sorry.

On the other hand, Pineapple farmers and sellers are once again going to reap the rewards of this booze ikhefu. Bootleggers are also ready to supply at prices that will make you khefuzela and have you thinking you should make your drinking ikhefu permanent.

If we weren’t so carefree, when we should have been careful, we wouldn’t have been sent to the naughty corner for this ikhefu. We only have ourselves to blame for this ikhefu-ful situation.

Ikhefu and i-curfew are of sound rhyme and reason, as part of a solid plan to win the fight against this disease that makes people khefuzela and even end up in coffins.

Just stick to ikhofi, with immediate effect. That’s unless you’re allergic to i-caffeine

BTW, I care for you so I will advise you that instead of crying over spilt gin or spending your hard-earned money on over-priced mampoer, you should use your ikhefu to sign up for the Everyday Zulu beginner course. It’s fun, won’t get you arrested or injured and you will be empowered. Enroll at www.everydayzulu.co.za

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Today's isiZulu word is amazwi. Amazwi is words/voices.

I don’t understand why we are using HIV/AIDS language, with Covid-19. We need to drop the word “positive”, when referring to those who have contracted the disease. It’s bad enough that we have stigmatised HIV/AIDS, when it’s just a disease that anyone can contract, and does not mean those who have contracted it are lesser humans. We don't need more stigma.

Amazwi matter.

While, I have you here - if you are HIV positive but take your ARV’s religiously, you can live a full life. In fact, you might live longer than those who are negative but reckless.

Thank you for attending my TED TALK.

#everydayZulu #everydaySpeak
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Today's isiZulu word is is'cwicwicwi. Is'cwicwicwi is a fancy pants snob. The word is illustrative of prancing around, while hobnobbing, with the elite - cwi cwi cwi, while we plebs plod. The word is also illustrative of the disdain towards this sort of person.

Johannesburg is South Africa's capital city of izicwicwicwi (plural). They exist in other parts of the country, but The City of Gold is is'cwicwicwi central. Izicwicwicwi love gold. It's shiny. In fact, Jozi township slang is a dead giveaway. A lot of the words are rooted in this city's is'cwicwicwi infestation.

Originally, izicwicwicwi would leave the townships, go into cities & suburbs, interact with white people and other fancy types then return to the township, having learned new words and concepts then unleash those words & concepts on the masses. The people would then appropriate these words, taking full ownership. Social media has short-handed this process

Take the word "is'tshuzana" for instance. Is'tshuzana is a soft man, often is'cwicwicwi. Some even use the word as the word for a gay man. Is'tshuzana comes from the word "excuse". As in excuse me, excuse us, excuse you. As such, is'tshuzana is a man that goes around, saying excuse, excuse me.

Then you have ibhathu. Ibhathu is a shoe. Now me, being the smart man that I am, I worked out that ibhathu comes from Portuguese's sapato - shoe. Some is'cwicwicwi was hobnobbing with Carlos.

Similarly, someone went to Andrea's house for an orgy and learned that tappeto is Italian for carpet then came back home, and called his family's lenolium flooring "tapuit".

Iguts. A goods train. That's self-explanatory.

Ivati. Water. No, not in English. But in Afrikaans.

Itrasi. A transvestite (derogatory). This is not to be confused with itransi - car - transport.

Impimpi. A sellout pimps you out to the authorities.

The list is endless, but we can thank izicwicwicwi for these.

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Today’s isiZulu word is isizungu. Directly translated, isizungu is the way of the Zungus. It is loneliness.

The Zungus are traditionally a lonely bunch. Melancholic and lonely. And lame. Don’t forget lame.

The state of the Zungus is so well-known, Boy George even dedicated a song to them - 2002’s “I specialise in loneliness”. What a weird song. What a weird boy. What a weird George. What a weird old man, called Boy George.

Be like the Zungus, and embrace isizungu, during this pandemic because it might just save your life. Or it might save somebody else’s life because not everything is about you.

In fact, I propose we all change our surnames to Zungu; change the country’s name and the national anthem. From today, I am Melusi Zungu, from the Republic of Isizungu, whose national anthem is Nkosi Sikelela isiZungu.

Seriously - stay home and suffer from isizungu. It’s better than getting the attention of doctors, nursies, orderlies, morticians and even necrophiliacs, you sexy beast you.

If you are a Zungu, and are offended by my abuse of your surname, and I have abused it, don’t come find me. Travel increases the spread of the Coronavirus. Just fight me here, on Facebook. You can even fight me on Zoom or MS Teams. Just fight me from wherever you are. I’d even say call, but some of you spit so much when you talk, I might contract the virus, through the phone.

Zungus, don’t now try prove you are outgoing and sociable - we believe you.

Isizungu for the win.

I think in some neighbouring countries, mzungu is a white person. Be like a mzungu. If you are already one, do the right thing.

#everydayZulu #everydayisizungu #everydayspeak
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This weekend’s isiZulu word is khuluma. Khuluma is talk/speak.

Friend1: We need to talk.

Friend2: Hhayi. Hhayi. Go talk to your mother. Siya phuza la (we are drinking here).

Friend3: I almost jumped out of my skin, thinking my wife has just walked in. Fok.

Friend4: Hheyi, talk-oloshi. What witchcraft, is this?

Is there a more terrifying opening statement to any engagement than “we need to talk”? I don’t think so. Whether it’s a wife, girlfriend, your banker or lawyer, saying it, you do not imagine anything good will follow. Now, if you have both a wife and a girlfriend, we definitely need to talk.

“Magenge, we need to talk” is my humorous and sometimes crazy book that will be in stores in October. I started writing it last year, when I was going through the most (still am), and the thing the saved me was being open to my friends about my struggles. To my surprise, I saw my openness give some people “permission” to open up about the battles, they had been fighting in silence.

“Magenge, we need to talk” is a call to gents to open up more, talk more, listen more. It is built around a series of conversations, I have had with my male friends, over the years - conversations around navigating the shitshow that is adulting. We discuss issues that most adults have to deal with but through the lens of 40-something-year-old black men, trying to make sense of their place in the world.

This lens means the book also covers topics such as parenting while black, loving while black, coming out while black, earning while black, applying for bail while black, gender relations, race relations, sexual orientation, traditions, religion and more - all interrogated and delivered, with a great deal of humour.

The cover, just like the Melusi’s Everyday Zulu book cover, was designed by Kholiwe Sinuma.

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Today’s isiZulu word is unyoko. Unyoko is your mother.

Ah, mothers - what wonderful creatures. They are a blessing. Truly magical, and I don’t just say that because my mother’s name is Magic. Sibongiles, Matshepos, Tinyikos, Hulisanis, Marilize’s, Karens, Baasimas, Chunhuas, Adaegos, Mudiwas, Anisas - they are all magical. Truly.

That’s unless that mother is the City of Cape Town. What a cold-hearted witch. So cold-hearted.

The Mother City is not your mother’s city. It is not idolobha lika nyoko. It is not unyoko. It does not embrace you, keep you warm and comfort you. It does not wipe your tears away and make you feel better, by planting a kiss on your cheek. It doesn’t make sure you’re well-fed and happy.

Instead, it kicks, pepper sprays and pins you down - all while you are as naked, as you were, when you entered the earth, needing the love of unyoko. It enjoys making you cry out for unyoko in the city.

It spits on you, and says “tsek, nyoko”. It calls you by your mother’s privates, while leaving you exposed and humiliated. What a mothereffing shameful mother of a mothereffing city.

Day in, day out - this mother torments and traumatises her brown-skinned children. She surely wishes she could have aborted them. They disgust her. And she disgusts them. She disgusts me.

Sies. #BlackLivesMatter jou ma se JP

#everydayZulu #everydayspeak
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Greetings, friends. Tonight (10PM), I will be chatting with comedia, David Kau, about a whole host of things, including Everyday Zulu and my experiences with it.

To tune, follow this link

www.facebook.com/DavidKauComedian/videos/3063713913681901/?vh=e&d=n
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Today's isiZulu word is cwebezela. Cwebezela is shine/glitter (verb).

Earlier today, I came across this analogy online: Coronavirus, explained in craft terms - You and 9 friends are crafting. One uses glitter. How many projects have glitter?

I swear to God I would not have understood the analogy, had I not fathered a daughter. Nope. Zilch. Nothing. Over my head.

What is it with girls and glitter? It's insane. I try to explain to my daughter that all that glitters is not gold - some of it is a pain in the ass. My ass. But noooo, she cwebezelas on. 😭

#everydayzulu #everydayspeak
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